Monday, September 28, 2009

Saga of the (not so) skinny pants

Has this ever happened to you? You're standing in your closet, overwhelmed by the mind numblingly boring chore of figuring out just what the heck to wear, and something catches your eye...?

Way up high on a shelf, where you put them so you wouldn't have to come face to face every single day with the knowledge that you are a fat load who can't fit into them any more: your skinny pants.

Before you can stop yourself, your arm is reaching...

Stop it! Right this minute, young lady. Today is NOT the day to be doing this to yourself, if you know what I mean. You are soooooo NOT skinny today. I'm pretty sure I saw you eat an entire carton of ice cream last night. In fact, you could easily be mistaken for a beached, bloated whale. So why would you even try? You really DO hate yourself, don't you?!

But you just can't help yourself. You've already got them in position: Right up there, in front of your eyeballs. My butt can't be THAT big, can it? You're gonna give it a go. You give 'em a little shake and lower your arms, and start to balance on one foot...

Stop it now. Right this minute. They aren't even NICE. They are all ripped and everything! Why did you even keep them?! And why would you do this to yourself? What is your problem, you psycho?

But you are not listening any more. You are going to put those pants on, dammit, even though you are still wet from the shower and that isn't going to help tight jeans exactly glide right on. Apparently there is some itch for self-flagellation today, and you'll be damned if you don't scratch it.

You're a stubborn mule! I mean COW. What are you doing? Listen, lady. Do not come to me when you're crying into your farmer's market pie when this goes all wrong on ya', do you hear me?

And you keep going... and then you smile a little, as the pants make it over your hips. Hey! That wasn't so bad. They fit! They fit! There is even a little room. Wouldja look at that?! And you are so astounded, and happy, you do a restrained happy dance (there isn't, after all, a lot of space - it's a closet) and you smile and turn around to see if there is anyone to share your happy news. (There isn't - it's still a closet.) Even so, you are happy. And so damn proud of yourself. Dude, I am the balls, you think.

But still, something is niggling, there, at the back of your mind. You just can't shake it. Because deep in your heart, you know the real truth: you are not the balls. You DID eat that ice cream and some pie. And two glasses of wine. OK, OK, three. AND some goldfish crackers. Something - you just don't know what yet - is wrong here. Really, really wrong. Starting with their condition. They are not such great pants that you would have saved them. They are a little beat up, not too flattering, and well... not exactly worth being skinny for, really.

Still, though, the call of the skinny is overwhelming. Ugly or no, you are gonna wear 'em, dammit. So it only comes to you, sometime later, as you're standing there, looking for something to wear with the pants.

Something catches your eye. Way up high, where you'd put them: it's your skinny pants.

Hm, you think.

Ohhhhhh! you think, finally figuring it out.

Turns out, what you actually grabbed and managed to get on, you'd also put way up high on that shelf, to avoid coming face to face daily with another of your failures: finding time to take care of your yard. They're your fat gardening pants.

******************************************************

The folks over at humor-blogs have a better system for keeping track of their clothing.

83 comments:

At Home Mommy Knits said...

Oh skinny jeans...the bane of my existence.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Well, imagine how crushing it would have been if they hadn't fit!

knittergran said...

Funny Story!
I wonder how many of us have had the same experience?

Life As I Know It said...

I am near tears every morning when I open my closet door looking for something, anything, to wear. Every morning I declare: I have NOTHING to wear. Same old jeans, same old variation of something-fleece.
I despise malls so I order everything online, which means every pair of jeans I own doesn't exactly fit quite right...ah, the challenges we must face in suburbia.

Cathy said...

i hear you--i've got a certain pair of skinny jeans--no lycra, so no cheating--stuffed in the back of my closet, too. :)

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I don't even have my skinny jeans anymore. They so depress me.

(Excuse me...is that my donut there on the pile of take out? Oh. Thank you.)

Anyhow, where was I...oh right....skinny pants. They depress me.

Barb said...

Is it a bad thing that ALL of my pants are now "skinny" pants, even the ones I bought when I needed some fat pants because my EXTRA skinny pants didn't fit? I swear, next I'll have a Skinny Mumu. Dude, seriously, the fat is OUT OF CONTROL over here.

(A friend on FB just posted that the state fair has deep fried BUTTER. What's next? Maybe a side of lard...)

Shelley said...

I cannot even tell you how many different sizes of jeans that I own. Last Monday, when Denver decided to have a small freak snowstorm, I had to put away my shorts and play my annual favorite game of "I Wonder Which Jeans I'll Be Wearing This Year?" Good times.

Five Ferns Fibreholic said...

Somehow I'm glad that there are no pictures to go along with this post. I couldn't bear to see the look on your face when you realized what you were wearing.

kim said...

Oh, yeah, been there too! But, um, ice cream and gold fish? That's what I eat EVERY night!

lucky knitter said...

Okay, so I'm looking for the silver lining and I found it... your fat gardening jeans are still loose. See, I found it. =)

Suzy said...

My best summer was when I was recovering from surgery and had 3 months of Vicodin and got back down to 121. As it turns out, as the Vikes go, so goes the nation.

I stare at my skinny clothes (which I did try on and weep over) and now I'm back to 130 and am ready to stab supermodels in their ribs.

ree said...

I was all ready to absolutely hate you. ;-)

Kathy B! said...

I am LIBERATED!! I actually got rid of my skinny jeans. I recommend you do the same :)

Mother of Chaos said...

*snerk!*

I have so been there.

Still am there, actually...sigh...

TinkingBell said...

Ha!

I has the pants - and in 3 months they will fit

OK - in 6 months they will fit

Probably

If I don't drink much wine over christmas

and I run - a lot

They'll definitely fit me.

Soon

Rose Red said...

Geez, woman, I've seen a picture of you and let me tell you, I'd be lucky to fit your "fat" gardening pants onto one of my legs. Even if I cut open each trouser leg and sewed them to each other to make a weird skirt!!!! Actually maybe that's what you should do with those skinny jeans, make 'em into a skirt. No more torture, and a new skirt! Perfect!

Jan Ross said...

So true and so sad. I just found some Gloria Vanderbilt jeans when shopping the other day that fit! And were so fabulous! And were a size smaller than I normally wear! And then I realized they were, like, 90% Spandex. And I decided I didn't even care!

del said...

Who wants skinny pants anyway? Not me! Fat gardening pants are much more comfy.

leslie said...

i do love that we are all the same. skinny pants. fat pants. i've got it all, too.

and i am SURE you looked totally great in those fat pants! :)

Kathy said...

This morning it was finally cold enough for me to put on the jeans I put away in the spring. The ones that I wore nearly every day in the winter. The ones that were comfy. Looks like Husband must have washed them and dried them on super hot. That's the only explanation for the way they fit now. The only explanation, I tell you!

Seanna Lea said...

Whooops!

My big clothing goof was when both my husband and I were losing weight he would wash and fold the laundry. He would separate out my clothing and his, but he wasn't always very good about that. There was one pair of his black pants that I brought with me twice to the gym. So, I spent the rest of my work day in my husband's baggy short black pants (never have I realized that 1.5 inches of height could be so much). Those were bad, bad clothing days.

Kaylen said...

My skinny pants are in the closet, also in a container under the bed, and a box in the back of the closet, and some in the garage. But ANY day now - I will wake up and they will just magically fit!

And I will celebrate them fitting with a big plate of cookies!

Working Mom said...

I finally got the strength to pitch my jeans - the ones that were too tight and the ones that fight that were threadbare on the inseams (because the friction from my thighs could start an inferno).

Went to the store and tried on new ones. Guess what? The more you pay for your jeans, the smaller the size will be! Oh, and they're made with that lovely thing called SPANDEX!!!!

Donna Lee said...

Nope. Don't own a pair. Got rid of all the evidence that I was ever any different size. For all the rest of the world knows, I was born this size.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't even bother to save the skinny jeans anymore. Sigh.

the mama bird diaries said...

Isn't it enough that we get wrinkles? Why must we gain weight too? Seems way unfair.

t does wool said...

OMG! too funny...I so needed this today!!!TY ;))

Jejune said...

Ah MadMad, you make me laugh, always. You should have stopped looking on the shelf after you got the first pair of pants on, and you would have been happy all day ;)

I don't do jeans anymore, at all ... it's better that way, trust me ;)

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You crack me up!

La'Tonya Richardson said...

Okay, now I'm really going home to throw away the fat beat up pants. I hid them instead of throwing them away. They were kind of my favorites. They're outta here!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Well, I rid myself of those stupid skinny jeans. And I thought it would make me feel better. You know, kinda liberated, only it didn't. Now all I have is fat pants and I feel sad. And when I go to buy new ones, the sizes fluxuate like crazy, and I'm not sure which pair to buy anymore. It's freakin insane.

So, I guess, as saddend as I am for you, I feel better, knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

Tasha said...

Hey, be nice to yourself! You're not a cow, no matter what size you may be. You're a human being, deserving of love and acceptance, even from -- perhaps even particularly from -- yourself.

Laurie (Moo!) said...

Son of a B! Stupid garden pants. Good thing you were by yourself and no one else knows about it. ;-)

The Blights said...

I just stumbled onto your blog and am laughing out loud! I love it.

TLCknits said...

THAT made me belly laugh!..THANK YOU!

RivkA with a capital A said...

oh, man, this was too funny!!

maybe because we ALL have them... that "fat pants" AND the "skinny pants."

*sigh*

IslandMom said...

OK, MadMad. Iknow you must be doing the anti-Blogtoberfest. I could just really use a good dose of either your humor or your reality about now!

Alison said...

better your gardening pants..than in my situation....my husbands...after that let I ate more ice-cream and then chocolate chip cookie dough

dreamfarmgirl.blogspot.com said...

so perfect! how long are we gonna keep those skinny jeans in the closet anyway??

Barb said...

Just checking in to make sure you haven't A) left the country B) offed yourself over the skinny pants/gardening pants mix-up or C) been buried under your yarn stash and can't get up.

We miss you, MadMad.

Anonymous said...

Are you still here anywhere? It us, your readers. We miss you and are thinking of you.

Bethany said...

Helloooooooo!!!! I hope everything is alright.

a friend to knit with said...

dang... it's dusty over here.

but... i just blew the dust off for you. you are GOOD TO GO! :)

miss you.

Carol said...

We miss you! Hope everything is well and that you'll be back to entertain us again soon!

Steph said...

Dear MadMad:
I don't mean to be pushy . . . but the holidays are coming and I'm would like to hear from you:)
Steph

Carolyn said...

I love your post! Good to know I'm not alone. I have a top shelf with my skinnys. I tried them on after summer. They were a no go. Certainly not after the holidays either. Sigh..... :)

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Where oh where are uuuuuuu?

Anonymous said...

Quite

Kate said...

So so true - including the desperately neglected garden - thank you for the laugh (at myself!)

Heidi Malott said...

missssss youuuuuuuuu.
Hugs!

morethanamom2four said...

It's like you have a hidden camera in my closet! (except I don't garden lol)

Shelley said...

Dear MadMad,
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but it's been over three months since you last posted. I hope everything is ok. I miss hearing about Boy, Girl, Man, and the saga of the MadMad family!

Kristen said...

You are so funny, thank you for the big giggle!

Krissy said...

Where are you?? I keep checking back and am disappointed! Post, post, post! Hope everything is ok.

Luciole said...

Where are you ? Is everything okay ?

A French fan.

PVKansas said...

I have been checking in on your for months now. Hope everything is okay.

Just Words On A Page said...

Sadly, I have been there and done that:) I found your blog and I love it. I am a new fan.

magically ordinary said...

Just fabulous! This is my first visit to your blog. I will be back. And, often!

Annie said...

Cute post!
I feel your pain! My skinny pants have been in my closet for close to 15 years now!
Hey, I'm a beginner knitter (hats, mits, scarfs) The gorgeous sweater on your post - the Classic Elite pullover - could a beginner accomplish that?
Thanks for making me laugh, as I drink coffee on a foggy Saturday morning.

Scarlet.Skye said...

I still can't get mine over my thighs! I have soooo given up on denim... It's spring now, so I will just survive in leggings until next winter... At which point I will blame not fitting into my pants as a result of "winter weight".....

from four years ago...

Great Blog you have here :)

Anonymous said...

Dang, I still have my skinny jeans...all 5 pairs of them...lol.
Question is....why? I know I'll "never" fit into them again.
I'm weak....and in denial!

Nora said...

Hilarious - and I see you've stopped posting! Noooooooo! Not now that I've finally found you! :)

Anonymous said...

I miss your wit! Have you moved to another blogsite?

The Empress said...

I LOVE THIS! Not sure how I found you, but am glad I did.

I am very happy here. I think I"ll stay.

Marilyn said...

God, I love this!

Lushorama said...

....hoping all is okay with you and yours....

Carol said...

We miss you! Hope you are all doing well and enjoying your summer!

Barb said...

I DREAMED you had a new blog post. I realize that this is more of a commentary on my pathetic life than it is your busy one but, hey, throw me a bone, huh?

Miss you,
Barb

Danielle said...

Oh, honey, that is THE pits. I've done it. Except all of the jeans were in my drawer. And I put them on thinking "Heck Yes! I'm Skinny" and I walked around all day like that and then when I took them off I was crushed, they were my fat Thanksgiving, long car ride pants.

Renee said...

Yup, got 'em on my shelf too,
I so know that experience...

gypsyroxylee said...

Aahh...the angst of the skinny pants...I know it well. And that is exactly why I don't leave them where I can see them!

Bella
http://gypsyroxylee.wordpress.com/

mrwsmom said...

It's been a year since your last post. Miss your wit.

Teacher, Teacher! said...

Miss your comments!!! Please post so we will know your still around.

Anonymous said...

Come back Mad Mad!

1funkyknitwit said...

This was a hilarious post ! even though I'm afraid a little to real...lol

I have a wardrobe full of the top shelf dating back to.....

A Beer for the Shower said...

As long as you can still wear pants, and have not entered the land of the Mumu, I think you're still safe!

Carol said...

Miss your humor. :( Hope you and the family are well.

Carolyn said...

Funny story!

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Carol said...

So it's been almost 2 years since you last posted. Maybe it's morbid of me, but I worry that something happened to you. I really hope that isn't the case, but unless you come back sometime and let us know you are alright, I'll never know if something happened or if you just decided to stop blogging. I keep you and your family in my prayers, just in case you need them. And really...is there anyone in the world who couldn't use an extra prayer here and there?! Hope you are well and that you are able to pop in sometime. Even if it's just to say that you've decided to stop blogging forever. At least we would know to not worry. (((hugs)))

One Fantastic Housewife! said...

I am so glad I found you! What a great read!

Steph said...

I so love coming back to your writing. Thank you for not taking it down!

Anonymous said...

I've been a luker for years. Ha. And I'm still lurking. You ROCK! I hope to hear more sagas.