Tuesday, September 15, 2009

At long last

Just when you think it is probable you will never blog again, having decided there are too few brain cells left floating around in there to be coherent after a summer beating your head against the wall explaining yelling to children that no, they can't play Wii.

... or watch TV

... or use your computer

...until they finally left for school yes-ter-freakin-day... (Can you believe it? Girl may have actually been the last child on Earth to go back to school.)

Just when you think you are way too exhausted and overwhelmed from the mad back-to-school scramble of paperwork and cleat-buying and what do you mean you never ordered your summer reading book? And what you mean it will cost $24 to have it express-shipped and what exactly have you been doing all summer?! Playing Wii or something?!

...And from trying to figure out exactly how it is you will crowbar piano, tennis AND soccer (not to mention homework) into one. Single. Afternoon for ONE child and then still get dinner, baths and stories in BEFORE heading out for a meeting...

... and from realizing you are just way too old - too damn old! - for this nonsense and start fantasizing about sitting in a chair in an old age home propped in front of TV all day with drool dribbling out of your mouth, because that is all you can really handle right now, and actually, it seems too much even. What really would be even better, more appropriate, probably, God, if you're listening, is just one of those straight jacket thingies in a mental institution because you are just a whiny mess crumpled on the floor thinking, where is my knight in shining armor arsonist because I still have to CLEAN this place, too, for the love of GOD, it's disgusting!

CLEAN IT!?!

How?!

WHEN?

And your hair looks like hell because it's been 12 weeks since you had it cut colored and you have no good clothes because you are busy buying cleats for kids and so you wear dorky mommy shorts that might as well say "kick me" on the butt and your garden is a mess and... and... and... when would you write? And how on Earth could you be funny? You are too old and fat and tired as all hell.

And just when you've decided that's it, I'm done... put a fork in me, I'm just DONE already...

... you will walk past a draft of your son's homework.

And gasp and do a double take.

And then you will laugh a little.

Maybe because you finally had one day of kid-free rest - one whole day! - and can find the funny again.

Maybe because you're glad you have a blog to share it on.

A little background: I make Boy do a draft because, even though he is in third grade, this will be his first year writing English, and not just French, and he can use some practice spelling I don't want the teacher to think he's a complete idiot.

Turns out it was a good thing:






I need to have a talk with that boy. Who du's not like pie crust?!

******************
The folks over at humor-blogs have enough readers. But I am pretty sure my friend Suzy, who is twice as funny anyway, is happy to know Boy has a firm grip on his bike. Bike, people. Bike. Get your heads out of the gutter.

33 comments:

hokgardner said...

Actually, it looks like he wrote that he dus no lick pie crust, which is actually a good thing.

And I really don't want to know what that first sentence says.

It's so good to have you back!

At Home Mommy Knits said...

Thanks for the laugh out loud on from reading that draft....killing me :)

Geek Knitter said...

If it's any consolation, school doesn't start here until next week.

Not that I've got kids to wrangle or anything...

The Mother said...

After all those years learning to spell silent letters, I mean, syllables, in French, English should be a breeze.

Spelling is overrated, anyway. That's what spell checkers are for.

Lucy said...

That was great and I am so glad you cleared up that first sentence!!

Barb said...

Had no idea what that first sentence was--so glad you explained it. I don't really like pie crust either, though. (Neither do I LICK it, just in case.)

MissOpinionated said...

and you made it alllook so effortless

Sandra said...

Girl only went to school yesterday?! That's just wrong.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Your son could write those poster slogans for all those cats.

I du luck my bells...

ymK said...

Good to have you back. And we are glad you have a blog so you can share this hilarious piece of writing with us.

Seanna Lea said...

I don't have kids, but I'm not dreaming of a straight jacket. I'm dreaming of a padded room. Sit in the corner (or lie on my side) stare at the walls. Heck. With a padded room and a blanket, I could probably catch up on a year's worth of sleep!

Gray Matter said...

Posting that draft may officially count as child abuse, but more importantly--that granite is fabulous. Midnight Black or Hohlwald?

Cathy said...

you described the whole back to school process so well. your son is so cute--he's got great penmanship,too. :)

Cathy said...

oh, and just think while you get your kids transitioned to school--you knit a sweater on the beach--that's so cool!

Suzy said...

I'm a little concerned that he has a firm farm on his dick. What's going on over there?

ree said...

At least it's a ferme grip.

Jane said...

I finally got mine all out the door yesterday, including my husband, only to be called by the school to come get my youngest because he had the flu. I had exactly three hours to myself!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Du continu to rit mor oftn. I lick you a loot.

the mama bird diaries said...

What does that first sentence say?

Chica said...

Yay! Glad you are back! I need a good laugh. You'll have time to blog everyday now, no? :)

inoriz said...

*Dies from laughing* Too funny~! (the licking pie crust part)

Rose Red said...

There's nothing wrong with a ferme grip, that's all I have to say.

But since when has "bike" become another word for...

Oh, and you are so NOT fat. I no, Iv'e scene a pickcha of yu.

Bells said...

ok that's just weird. The only pie crust I ever met that I didn't like was burnt to a crisp and no one would like that!

A Tired Wife said...

I think once the guys get that ferme grip - they never let go.

And I'm glad you're back. I thought I killed another blog by adding you to my blogroll!

Kathy B! said...

What's wrong with you people?! Everyone licks pie crust. Right?

And fwiw, you were funny before you even got that part :)

Wendi said...

Mom shorts definitely come with built-in "kick me" signs on the back.

Donna Lee said...

Are sure it's bike?

a friend to knit with said...

that is hilarious!!!!
and i think you had the longest summer vacation, ever!!!!

TinkingBell said...

Hahahahaha
I like a man with a firm bike grip - and I du not lick picrust either!
and I am looking forward to the end of hte holidays sort of - but we had a fun time..

Carol said...

So glad you are back!!! And what do you he's been writing in French and is just starting grade 3?! Holy cow!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

He must not be much fun at Thanksgiving--what with the unwillingness to lick pie crust and all.

RivkA with a capital A said...

glad you are back!!

Anonymous said...

ohboyohboyohboy...when my 15yr old was in kindergarten he spelled bike sorta like your babe...only with a "D" aaand his sentence was" I like to ride my bike...funny stuff...