Road map to a woman's mind

Dear Man:

OK. I know it might seem like a bit of a nonsequitur* when I mutter "Oh, just shut the hell up"** when you say, "I made the bed for you this morning."

But that is only because the male pea-sized, sexist pig brain cannot keep up with the many, many reply options that roil through a woman's head, leaving her opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water, sifting through the possible (and all correct, but somehow not quite enough on their own) choices before she arrives at one.

So. It's a tad Google of me, but let me draw you a map:

Start at: "I made the bed for you this morning."

1. Take a sharp left three neuro-synapse thingies later at:

" 'For you,' huh? Hm. The implication of that is that you think it's MY job, huh? Well then, thank you for stooping and for your help, you sexist pig."

2. Wonder if that's too wordy and proceed straight to:

"Ya wanna medal?"*

3. Decide that's too brief, and you have more anger pent up in there that needs venting, so bear right at:

"Oh! The bed you also slept in? Why, thank you, and have I mentioned you're a sexist *&^^%$#$ pig?!"

3. Thought construction requires a bit of a detour-digression. Bear right at:

"Was he always this much of a sexist pig? How did I miss that? What was I thinking?! How did I end up here, being a presumed bed-maker?! I was gonna be somebody some day. I must remember to tell Girl not to ever, ever, ever get married. They are tricky little bastards, these men."

4. Take a left onto:

"Oh, that's nice, honey. Because I was busy making the grocery list for your dinner, and putting your breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. "

5. Eh. Find scenery there boring; also, skip through the obvious and too trite:

"And I made you two kids."

6. Pass, too, right through the intersection of I HATE YOU!!!!! and Would this hold up in divorce court? because even in your agitated state you realize that might be a little bit much (just a little, though) under the circumstances and you don't really have the time for that kind of thing right now, but someday, SOMEDAY, it's all just gonna add up and be the last straw, and and and and... Alice, right to the moon! and then? And then? I'm going off to live in Paris all by myself and smoke cigarettes and knit and no one is going to tell me they made my bed, dammit.

7. Take a big sigh, and finally arrive at...

"Oh, just shut the hell up. "

See? Not all that complicated. You just have to keep up, is all.


* Really. That's how it's spelled. I don't like it, either. But there's rules about these things, you know. You can't just go spelling things however you like just because you don't think it looks pretty.

** OK. That's a lie. But this is a somewhat family-friendly place. OK, that's a lie, too. But you know, I try. OK, OK. Three lies in one sentence, you got me. I said some other things, OK? Feel free to substitute your own inappropriate word. Or three. OK, happy now? Yes, I used all three.

*** (Thanks to the ever-hysterical Barb who reminded me of that one!)

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The womenfolk over at humor-blogs know it's hard to always just smile and keep your head down and go along.