Monday, March 9, 2009

This one's for my pal, Amy

My bloggy pal Amy is a mom of three, going through that sort of overwhelming stage of parenting when you can't see the forest because the trees are still nursing.

And preschool-aged.

And in kindergarten.

Only she's homeschooling them.

So... no forest anywhere to be seen, frankly.

I try to tell her things will get easier when they get older. Which is a bald-faced lie, to be honest. The forest gets overrun with the kudzu vine of soccer, hockey, lacrosse, book reports and drama - let's not forget the drama! because OH, THE DRAMA! It's all just a different kind of bad when they get older, but most nights you at least get a little sleep. Which does help. Some.

But for some reason she doesn't believe me. Maybe, though, a picture will help. They say they're worth a thousand words, and even I, who never met a word she couldn't somehow crowbar into a sentence, can see how they come in handy at times.

And I took the perfect picture last week for you, Amy. Just to show you things DO get easier.

In no time at all (another lie) yours will be big enough for this:








And if you do it just right, he'll even say crazy ass things like, "This is SICK! What ELSE can I vacuum?!" when he's all done with the playroom.

And you'll say, "Hm. I don't know if you deserve to vacuum any more. You are not even dressed for school yet."

And he will buy this load of bahookie - I recommend you start practicing your straight face right now to be prepared - and run and get ready for school and then....

vacuum the hallway, too.



It's the best, Amy, you'll see.

Almost enough to make me have a couple more kids.

'Cuz he didn't have time to do the downstairs, too.

**********************************
The folks over at humor-blogs have the Department of Child Services on speed dial for when they read my posts.

35 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

At least the boy is holding a hoover.

I get so cross when I hoover (the damn lead, the damn little bits that don't get sucked, the whole damn process) that my mum and now my wife just don't let me hoover!

Rachel said...

I thought I had the only boy who loved vacuuming! I have a few pics just like these!

I can't wait for the day when my minions, er, my children are big enough to do all my housework for me...

*dreamy sigh*

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I've got three and am homeschooling as well. My youngest is 4, so perhaps I should send her some good vibes. . .it is DEFINITELY easier when they can pick up after themselves, no longer need to nurse, and actuallY SLEEP at night! Oh, sleep is the most amazing thing when you rediscover it.

RamblingMad said...

...yeah, until they get old enough to realize that they're really just your slaves. Then you have to bribe them to do things like vacuum with money. Loads o' cash. Big piles of it.

The good part, though, is that when they do a half-assed job (and they always do) you can tell any guests or visitors that your kid did the vacuuming, etc. and that gets you off the hook for the pile of cat yak still stuck to the carpet over in the corner that nobody saw until it was dried...

The Mother said...

You do lie. You lie through your teeth.

That magical age where the kids think chores are fun lasts approximately 1-1/2 minutes.

My oldest's first word was 'lawnmower.' He pushed that lawnmower all over kingdom come.

Now he's 21, and he hasn't touched a lawnmower since.

When you have to negotiate with your sons to get them to open a can while your wrist is in a cast, you know they're growing up.

hokgardner said...

I've tried three times to write something clever, but I can't because I'm too damn tired from all the little trees in my house, especially the two who won't sleep through the night. I need to work on my big girls and getting them to vacuum. I'll have to show them Boy's pictures and say, "If HE can do it, so can you." Then they'll do something like take a bat to my computer so that I can't show them any more pictures.

hokgardner said...

Oh, and we have the girl version of those jammies!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

And when they get even older they'll still do it, but they'll want a lot of money.

lilypotter said...

I love it! Something to look forward to, keep me going and all that. :)

You know if you homeschooled him, he'd have plenty of time to vacuum the downstairs...

lilypotter said...

BTW- Very cool rug you have there!

the mama bird diaries said...

I'm so relieved right now. i can't wait til my kids start vacuuming.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Love this! I just had my older 2 scrubbing the kitchen floor. On hands and knees. They thought it was the BEST THING EVER!

Muwa ha ha

amy said...

Thanks, Rachel! :-) I am seeing glimmers of hope with my oldest. Twice now he has noticed a basket of clean laundry in the living room and taken it upon himself to FOLD THE CLEAN CLOTHES. AND PUT THEM AWAY. I feel I must capitalize that because it's momentous, somebody besides me noticing something needs to be done. AND THEN DOING IT.

I think my boys would love to wash the floor, but I kind of think that would be the sort of "help" that results in three times as much work for me.

And now I have to quit wasting time. The baby had a ped visit this morning, so we've done absolutely no schoolish stuff today.

Suzy said...

Yeah, I'm going to need to borrow him for a year or so. Does he like potato chips for dinner?

Jenni at My Web of Life said...

Okay, WHY do I have my children playing with a PRETEND vacuum?????

Jonny's Mommy said...

Oh! This is so exciting! There is HOPE!

Not the Queen said...

I can't wait until mine is old enough to vacuum! I'm so jealous right now!

Barb said...

That is hilarious.

I thought of something semi-funny to write but it went right out of my head when my girls started their daily piano torture. I wonder if the vacuum would drown that out?

Manic Mommy said...

Until they start fighting and hitting eachother with the vacuum attachments. (Sorry Amy)

Actually mine love the Clorox wipes and the front of the cabinets! Amen.

WA said...

That's it--Sam's getting a Swiffer for his 8th birthday.

Orion said...

DUDE... you got a dell!

wait, no.. that's not what i wanted to say.
i'm not really sure what i wanted to say, because living with two young boys myself i have to say you photo-shopped that shit!
it's LIES!!

lucky knitter said...

Don't let Boy talk to the other kids about vacuuming - he'll start wanting money for it.

Ree said...

Is that a Dyson? I don't know if I want him or the vacuum. ;-)

Beth said...

Seriously, my oldest son had a weird fascination with vacuums when he was a boy. He begged (really begged) Santa to get a REAL Dirt Devil and not a pretend one.

Now, I have to pay him or threaten him to vacuum. I wish I had had your advice when he was young. Maybe then, he'd still like vacuuming.

kim said...

Wow, is that a Dyson? I'd come over and vacuum your place for a Dyson!

a friend to knit with said...

my forest is so thick.
but i do know that a NICE COMFY chair does wonders on tuning things out. change out that chair missy, pronto!!!
and that is some fun carpet. if you lived closer i would come over just so i could vacuum that!!!!! well, vacuum AND drink wine. yep. that would be a blast!

Bells said...

and how much did you have to pay him to pose like that???

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LOL! I wish it were that easy. I have two...soon to be five and soon to be thirteen.

TLCknits said...

haha.. I had two boys like that.. sadly, vacuuming became in the first month.:(

TinkingBell said...

Child slavery was outlawed much too early - those folks really didn't think it through properly!

Go BOY!

del said...

Hey, is that a Dyson I see? lol. LOVE those.

bernthis said...

let them call child services, fuck, Im nominating you for mother of the year

Jane said...

I had mine do the dishes last night. water everywhere, towel snaps, farts and burps...but it all got done and I got to read a book! And I hear you on the drama. That's why you need wine on the weekdays!

Nadine said...

Ah what a good boy! Can he come over and do my house too?

Shelley said...

I always tell people that teenagers are just like toddlers, only taller. But the cool difference is, with teenagers you can lock yourself in your bedroom with a bottle of wine (this is known as a MOM time out) and tell them to leave you the hell alone. Not so much with preschoolers. Well, you could...but then there's that CPS thing.

Oh, and by the time they're old enough to do your housework and actually do a good job at it? They won't want to. They will whine and complain endlessly (just like toddlers) and it's easier to just take the damn garbage out yourself rather than listen to that noise. Unless you take his/her cell phone or internet time away...then they'll pretty much do anything you ask. *evil grin*