Wanted, for college reunion: One little black dress; should help wearer take off 10 pounds and 20 years, wrinkles and sun spots, assorted gray hairs. Should cover cankles and ill-defined sausage casings biceps, without making wearer look like she just threw in the towel and chose what she really wanted, a burqa a pant suit.
Should not come right off the mannequin in the store window. While this is how the wearer normally operates, she understands it is unseemly. Should not be something another attendee might possibly be wearing, because wearer has enough trouble overcoming shyness to engage in small talk without needing to overcome the temptation to blurt out goofy things like, "I LOVE your dress, hahahaha!" or, "Don't we have great taste?!" which always make people look at her like she's a dork. Even when they're the ones wearing the same dorky outfit.
Should already match a pair of shoes in wearer's closet because she can only stand so much shopping. Preferably, should also make wearer look like she has been doing exciting things the past 20 years, not changing diapers and chauffeuring soccer players.
Anyone have anything like that lying around?
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Maybe the folks over at humor-blogs have one?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Wanted: one little black dress
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40 comments:
Good luck.. !I never found one.. I've resorted to Glad ForceFlex Trash Bags.. They have the added bonus - nothing can break thru them and the ever-slimming diamond pattern to divert the eyes to down to your feet!
Well, they always say you should wear bright jewelry to draw the eye upwards, but I suggest you wear one of those giant rainbow-colored afro wigs because then it won't matter WHAT your dress looks like.
Either that or go knit something with Spandex yarn.
No, but I have one that will make your boobs look saggy and your stomach look bloated and your hips like challah loaves.
Um, Babe, if you can pull an outfit directly off a mannequin and wear it, you have NOTHING to worry about. Hell, I met you, and you have NOTHING to worry about!
What ever you do, beware of SPANX. Trust me on this.
Good luck!!
What?! Beware of SPANX? I don't follow. If it weren't for SPANX, I could've never survived the jersey dress trend. I slip those suckers off and all hell breaks loose. In fact, why don't you just find a full body SPANX body stocking and wear that? Talk about slimming! I bet it would even take care of the cankles!
I'm 55 and still haven't found one! Oh wait, I did find one in Mexico last year that was a halter dress and I loved it.
Unfortunately, my daughter really needed it more than I, so I let her have it and now she loves it.
Back to the never-ending search for the perfect little black dress.
OMG--I just tried 'humor blogs' and my firewall cut it off! Like I can't swear in my own damned blog all on my own!
Anyway-- don't look at me. I was knocked up for my 20th--I wore hippie chic with a psychedelic empire waist and bell-bottoms.
Spanx are delivered straight from the depths of hell.
Don't wear them unless you really enjoy encasing yourself, compressing all of you internal organs, and wondering how long it takes for the venetian blind slow-roll will take.
SPANX? They sound naughty...
You're brave, doing the class reunion thing - I'm waiting until my 50th, when no one looks good except the ones who had plastic surgery (and then the rest of us can make fun of them).
Sorry. All my dresses make my ass look three feet wide...because it is. Good luck.
I was going to say go for the burqa - that'll really give everyone something to talk about. But I think I prefer the rainbow coloured afro wig. And wear it as if nothing is different.
Hmmm, I'll just check. Nope, nuthin' here but a bod-donk-a-donk butt and a MuMu.
Hmm - I'd say the burqa is good - but I also like the idea of wearing a large 'My Fair Lady' type hat - and possible the dress too - and big sunglasses.
I'm sure you'll looks fabulous - because your ass is not three feet wide - great heavens - YOU RUN!
Let me know where to find such a miracle. I have a big high school reunion in a couple months.
I've gotta ask - why are you even putting yourself through the reunion hell? Coudldn't imagine anything worse myself and would absolutely wear a burqa!
you could always just wear your bathrobe and be done with it. tell them all that belted waists are in!
If you find one order one for me too. I have the cankles and didn't know anyone else called them that. I also need one to put my boobies back. 20th high school reunion this fall.YIKES!
hmm let me know where you find one.. a trick is to buy a size bigger than you wear then tell everyone how much weight you have lost.. and I figure, after 20 years, everyones eyesight is starting to fail, so they will miss the wrinkles, cankles, etc.. I do like the idea of the rainbow afro wig too...
Lissa
sure i got one that comes complete with an extra roll becasue u needed another one for when you sit down and try to master sucking in your stomach while eating and talking all night.
I just had to buy FOUR new dresses for a wedding I have coming up. My conclusion? They make some FUG dresses. Who wants to look like an Easter egg took a dump?
At least you can wear black. I can't show up at a wedding in black unless I want to look like I'm jonesing after the groom.
That being said, I back up April's statement that you gotta suck in while seated. What's up with that? When you stand up your stomach looks (relatively) flat and when you sit it looks like you're pregnant with 15 year old twins? Stupid dress makers. Can't they perform a miracle?
just go with pantsuit and wine. it's easier. and you need to lose 10 lbs like i need a hole in the head. you drag around my extra 30 for a while, and we'll talk again.
I have a feeling that you'll pass muster just fine. I have managed to avoid every reunion since I graduated. I figure, I don't see these people in my everyday life, why torture myself every 5 years worrying about what they think of me? I married my high school sweetheart and he still thinks I'm beautiful even with my cankles and pooch in front. I think he needs glasses.
Funny, I do have one little black dress I wore to my High School Reunion 4 years ago. It takes off a good 10 lbs easy, covers the sausage arms and actually just doubled as a maternity gown. Crazy I know! Sadly, I cannot part with it. But take comfort knowing the right dress is out there you just have to find it!
Just do what I do. Wait to show up until it is highly likely that everyone is drunk. Then no one will notice what you're wearing or how you look in it.
If you find such a dress, let me know.
My 20-year high school reunion is this summer.
It may have been a rhetorical question but:
http://www1.talbots.com/talbotsonline/product/itempage.aspx?item=B155886&PFID=2803&BID=&h=M&sk=M
http://www1.talbots.com/talbotsonline/product/itempage.aspx?item=A132788&PFID=2803&BID=&h=M&sk=M
http://www.anntaylorloft.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=12165&defaultColorNameFromCrosell=Black
http://www.anntaylorloft.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=12158&No=15&pCategoryId=199&Ns=CATEGORY_SEQ_211&N=1200012&Nty=1&categoryId=211&defaultColorNameFromCategory=Hot%20Pink&defaultSizeTypeFromCategory=Misses
Just some ideas...
don't forget to accessorize (bracelets and necklaces draw attention away from the upper arm)
good luck
I really like the rainbow afro wig idea. Very eye catching!
I have a tendency to wear knee length or longer skirts with a tunic style top. That way you don't have to suck your belly in while sitting. 'Course I probably have 50 #'s on ya...you'll be just fine.
Blessings, EJT
MM--of course we haven't met...but you've "let us in." And I feel this is my area of expertise. Not to brag but... I am as good at fashion advice at you are at cocktail party hosting. Through your posts I know you're modest & that you are fit. (I also know your a wee-bit post 40, as am I. No shame) Of the dresses SwissJordanmom put up, (and kudos to her for doing the hard work)check out the 2nd one from Talbots. Seems timeless, classy and very flattering. (Audrey Hepburn-esque...if you will.) If you're worried about your arms( and who isn't?) why not wear a wrap or a shrug.
"Enjoy" that reunion. Better you than me!
i heard you have nothing to worry about. not a thing!!!
but this post made me laugh, as usual. :)
Please let me know if you find this mysterious dress. I will then buy one in a much larger size so we can be like before & after pictures.
You know you are the after, right?
Get thee to Nordstrom Rack and find a London Times wrap dress; marked down to 29.97 from 118.00.
I did and I must say I looked "mahvelous." That dress took off a good 25 pounds and in all the right places!
Happy hunting.
No, but if you find one, could you pick up an extra one for me?
Heidi
Oh Lordy, how I hate reunions. Good luck surviving.
I am totally all for knitting one yourself. 'Cause nothing says "I've been productive all this time" like a hand-knit dress. Believe it or not, I actually did wear a shirt I'd knit to my reunion. Unfortunately I'd blocked it bigger than I would have liked and it looked all wonky, but of course I didn't have time to reblock it and I had nothing else to wear, so I spent the night agonizing over my shirt and not admitting I'd made it. Good times.
So, ummm... I guess I'm not much of a help. Good luck, though!
Just do what I do and skip the whole thing all together. My 20th high school reunion is coming up, and I'm opting not to go. Because I grew up in a beach town, half of the planned activities are at the beach. So I'd have to find a maternity dress that made me look good for the formal dinner AND a bathing suit that looks good on a beached whale.
Well, there is a time machine and an unlimited credit card to Prada...but I don't think that is going to happen...
What did you say about "Magic for Moms"?????
Hi,
It is like that children's story "grandma, why are your eyes so big""to look at you better"We 40+s have "why are our eyes dim?" "so that we can not see the grey hair and wrinkles"
i know i'm a little late, as usual with most of my commenting...
but you should be thankful that you're only considering the "cankle" aspect of things... imagine another 30+ years down the road and your staring straight down at a set of "bankles."
serious... then you might as well hang up the idea of a dress because they only make wonder-bras ...not miracle-bras in size 38-long.
Aging is fun isn't it??
Wait.. no, i take that back...
being able to take short stabs at aging is fun isn't it? (as long as it's not you)
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