Just when you thought the worst words to ever come out of your seven-year-old's mouth were "I had this dream last night...?" he discovers magic tricks.
'Cuz those make the mind-numbing, eye-glazing, impossible-to-even-follow, much-less-care-about tales of Pikachu invading the school cafeteria with a trampoline shooter bazooka icer (?) and gobbling up everyone's sandwiches but not Tommy's 'cuz he didn't bring a sandwich..." seem like fun.
"Wanna see my new magic trick?" Boy asks.
Can you actually say "No?"
No.
So... "Sure, honey."
Boy takes out some cards... (What? You thought I was gonna suffer alone? Heck no. Why do you think I have a blog, people?)
Anyway, he holds out the cards, facing himself.
"Pick one," he says.
I do, and hand it back.
He puts it in his deck, shuffles, and tells me to pick my card.
"How the bleeping hell could I?" I ask.
"I don't know," he says impatiently. "Just do it."
"But I'm not the one who's supposed to be the magician you moron."
I get an exasperated sigh from the boy.
"Fine!" He takes out all but two of the cards. And then holds the two - still facing HIMSELF - up and asks me to pick one.
I do, and give it back. Again.
"Alright," he says, rolling his freakin' eyes at me like I'M THE IDIOT HERE, "Pick your card."
"Um, honey?" I try. "Let me explain something to you. While my odds are better now, yes... Still? This is not how it's supposed to work. YOU are supposed to guess my card."
Harruumph. He stomps off. "You are no good at magic."
Well, thank God, for that, honey. Thank God. 'Cuz that means were done with this, right?
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The folks over at humor-blogs love magic!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Magic for moms
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46 comments:
I think you ARE good at magic because you made him disappear!
Yayayay for non-magic mums! My best one is when I make the kids vanish by telling them the brussel sprouts are on the table!
Yeah, that was some disappearing act. Bravo!
I am totally going to do that next time!!! Do you think it will work for the never stopping knock knock jokes..........bannana...bannana who...bannana...bannana who....MAKE IT STOP!! hahahha
dawn
oh it's as bad as a knock knock joke phase!!!
I have to try using your tactics more often. My daughter was trying to do magic with a magic wand and I noticed her fly was down, so I asked to try the wand, pointed it at her and said "Abracadabra. Unzip your pants." She looked down and was stunned at my magical prowess. Then she spent the rest of the day waving the wand at people and yelling "Unzip your pants!" Not exactly the result I was hoping for, but I suppose I did ask for it. Still, it was worth it for her to think I was cool. At least for a minute or two.
He could be talent for local kids birthday parties and make a ton of cash. Make it work for you.
If only he could talk about Pokemon while doing magic tricks!
Oh, I would rather hear, "Do you want to see a magic trick" about six million times more than, "Mom, will you play Polly Pockets with me?"
I. Would. Rather. Clean the Cat Box.
Barb (who finally actually "got" what you were saying above and added her e-mail address to her blog.) (Duh.)
Thank God my kids never got into magic tricks. I can't say "no" either. I think it has something to do with estrogen or progesterone because those with lots of testosterone seem to be able to do it just fine.
That is definitely what siblings are for. Maybe you should adopt him a close-in-age brother...
Can you buy a deck of cards where all the cards are the same thing? Like 2 of clubs or something?
Kim's comment is spot on!
Heh! And what Kim said!
Heidi :)
My kids are proficient at magic. They can make cash disappear in a blink of an eye.
I am reminded here of how my 5 year old tells Knock Knock jokes - not very well! I hope he doesn't discover magic!
I can't stand magic!. I can't tell you the hours and hours of explaining the 'magic box'.. where you put the penny in and it 'disappears'!..
C - 'but Mom, HOW? where did it go...?'
M - 'go get get me the small pot mommy cooks gravy in..'(BAM BAM BAM)
C - 'ah cool. ok.. can I have another magic box, now?' :o|
You poor thing! The magic phase is painful! Both my boys went through it. We had to sit and watch unlimited amounts of magic shows and really bad magic tricks. We had magic birthday parties complete with the magician. On rainy days they tend to pull the "stuff" out and I run the other way!
I went through the magic phase at my house. All three of them at once. Thank goodness at least the teen knew what she was doing.
Ohhhhh, you think magic is bad? Wait until they want to play Monopoly; that lasts f o r h o u r s.
I. Hate. Monopoly.
LOL - well done!
I got on the train one day, grumpy as all get out, and the guy next to me started chatting, and then pulled out his wallet and IT BURST INTO FLAMES. He entertained me all the way home with magic tricks.
We are currently mired in the "Guess what" phase of youth.
Making up more and more ridiculous answers only encourages the game, so I start with "I don't know". That usually cuts the game short. Or at least shorter by about 45 minutes.
LOL! I love your writing style!
We missed the magic phase. I guess that's a good thing,huh. We did have an extended pokemon phase (still going on!!!) and I was able to talk a good pokemon for a while. Now, I am again lost. And uncool.
At least he didn't ask you to pull his finger. ;-)
This is when I say,"Can you show it to me while I watch Rock of Love?" (Ditto:, 'can I sing you my song I made up', 'want to see my new dance', 'can I rehearse my lines for the play') If I can sit my fat ass on the couch, you can show me anything.
Oh, you'd like to THINK you're done, wouldn't you?
I hope he doesn't try to saw you in half.
Speaking of magic, as in magic evenings with one's gynecologist ;)
I wanted to let you know I put up my more-horrific-than-your-horrific gyno story, finally, with a link-back to Dear God, Part II.
So you could prepare yourself for more people reading about your magical, horrific evening.
LOL. This phase comes soon after the big pile of rotten knock-knock jokes, doesn't it?
Ha! Is the magic trick thing mainly a boy thing? None of my girls have ever done more than mention that they would like a magic set. Which they didn't get, thus no parental suffering.
Thank goodness my kids never really discovered the magic trick thing. What sends me into the liquor cabinet is "Mom, play a game with me!" Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, ugh. Or when they want you to watch a kids' movie with them. For the 50th time. No really...I DON'T want to watch "Cars"...again.
I found you through way of PHD with 9 kids telling her gyno story...leading me to yours.
I read lots of your posts and LAUGHED out loud so much that my 4 year old came to see what was wrong.
I am glad I found you and will love laughing with you from now on.
Priceless!!!!
Daughter's worst words ever came out of her mouth at lunch today. We had just gone to lunch after church when she asked me, "Mom, what's a virgin?"
Luckily very shortly after we started down that conversational road her train of thought derailed and a major crisis was averted.
ROFLMFAO!!!! And to know you're not alone...
when my CH son was 10, he wanted to make a 'comedy tape'. And then he wanted me to listen to it. Fifteen minutes of a kid in severe need of speech therapy, reading knock-knock jokes from a book he got from scholastic on a craptastic sound system. And then, when I was gnawing my wrists to make the pain stop, I heard this bizarre sound on the tape. It was him, laughing. Because, you know, he was reading jokes, right? AND HE FINALLY GOT ONE OF THE JOKES!!! And geez golly damn, didn't that puppy just crack him up!!!
So, uhm, I feel your pain, sister--I so feel your pain.
LOL! What Kim said. Funny!
I think we share the same child?!!
Hi by the way, can't remember where I came from (damn that amnesia!) but I enjoyed your post!
Oh you can SO say NO to kids - LOL!
Last night I was surveyed about the effects of water restrictions on our household, and one of the questions was "How much time do you spend playing in the yard with your kids each week?" I laughed insanely, and said "You've got to be joking! Never!" bwah ha ha ha haaa! :)
Woot! I love those moments!
There is something about magic that gives Bossy the willies.
Don't hate me for loving you, but I've tagged you. No! Don't hate me!
Yeah, my daughter got a magic trick set a while back... it somehow disappeared....
Too Funny,
I'll be back tomorrow and ahve to read your older posts...came here by Kalynne...Loved the silent comments...at least I hope they were silent!
Pax, EJT
omg. yes. dreams, jokes, and magic.
I don't know which is more painful..."Mom, wanna see a magic trick?" Or, "Mom, I'm Princerella and you are Anastasia, you steal the magic wand."
At least magic boy asks. Princerella girl directs.
*snort*
I agree with bells.
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