Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Dear God, Part II

Dear God:

Yeah, it IS me again; can you believe it?

Me, neither. I know it's soon. But you know, that's how it is, sometimes: rain, pour, yada-yada.

In any case, no, no, I don't need anything, thanks. I was actually writing to thank you for your promptness in getting back to me on my earlier question about who I was in a past life to deserve the things happening to me here in this one.

I suppose there were hints all along. They do say you are everywhere and there are signs if you know where to look.

I just thought they meant in churches and Bibles and such; maybe in the pretty, snow-covered trees in nature.

Silly me.

It never occurred to me to recognize the other stuff as signs. In hindsight, you were practically beating me over the head, weren't you?

So many, many hints:

My time in the dentist's chair, enduring an uninsured root canal I didn't need; the experience trying to buy a little - OK, a case of - wine; my duties as mother of a child who just possibly could be Satan's spawn; and my slowly coming to terms with the fact that I did, indeed, grow up to be Someone, as long as you're talking about the Someone who comes along eventually to rinse out the empty mayonnaise or peanut butter jar you left in the sink for Someone to clean out, or the Someone who will take care of picking up the towel you threw on the floor, the crumbs you couldn't bother to catch before they fell into the carpet.

But you know me, God. I'm the kind of person who sometimes needs to be hit over the head with things, so I appreciate your cooperation.

For example, when I ignored yet another sign a few months ago, when I learned I had just enrolled Girl in a school that happened to contain a child whose last name was the same as the obstetrician who delivered Girl, you didn't let me shrug it off as coincidence.

No, no.

You sent home a parent list that right there showed me the child's parents' names and, yep: the boy's father's name was the same as the man who spent 9 months watching me turn into a wide-load truck and watched... well, a couple of other things of a more private nature, as well.

When I didn't get all faint and gaspy at the possibilities, your forced me to notice that, yes, there was a "Dr." right in front of his name.

And when I still tried to blow it off as coincidence, you sent me to attend a school hazing rite concert, wherein said doctor sat just a few rows away and I was able to determine that indeed it was him, the man who had seen my... well, you know.

And when I just sighed and tried to assure myself that our opportunities for interaction would be limited, what with having children of the opposite sex, and that I could probably get by if I kept my head down and didn't make eye contact for the next seven years, you said no, I would not get off that easy.

And so, yesterday, when I opened an email from the good doctor's wife saying that yes, she and her husband would love to attend the cocktail party for new parents being held at my house Friday night, I was forced to finally accept the answer you had been trying to bash into my head all along.

So thank you for your perseverance.

Thank you, too, God, for taking some undeserved pity on me: Girl, at least, was a C-section.

Yours,

MadMad

P.S. If you happen to have any appropriate cocktail chatter for the man who has seen your... um, you know... wouldja send it along, please? Thanks again!

47 comments:

Lela said...

OMG that is great! Lol! If it's any consolation, to him, once you've seen one "you-know" you've seen them all! Lol!

GRAY MATTER MATTERS said...

Man, do I love you!! I can't tell you what small talk to make, but I can assure you that you will have "cliff madness" all night and say things like, "Betcha didn't recognize me out of the stirrups!"

Joe said...

um, not sure what you should chat about but feel very strongly you should not put a throw pillow under your shirt and huff and puff in a mock "i'm in labor" sorta way and/or holler "Hey, 'member me?"
Also avoid using the world "service" should you get nervous and pronounce it as "cervix." (A la Robin Williams joke from many, many years ago.)
And, maybe I'm stepping out of line here, but, why not buy the Ocean Spray Cranberry juice as mixer?
PS How do you get yourself in these situations, MadMad. Just say NO to PTO bullies!!!!

suburbancorrespondent said...

I never even thought about this possibility. Wow.

And I would have no idea how to host a cocktail party. Alcohol, I guess? And no goody bags...

Ei said...

Wow. I just...wow. Thankfully the OB who delivered my children is in another state and won't be coming to dinner anytime soon.

I have, however, said on occasion that if there is a God he has a malicious sense of humor.

Please blog us the resulting story. I'm keen to hear other people's public humiliation. I'll share some of mine too, if that will help you out.

Amanda said...

I know it is probably not nice to laugh at your letters to God, but they are so funny I can't help it...Just hope your lovely daughter does not develop a crush on gyno's son... now THAT would be interesting.

kim said...

How about, "So, Doc, I'll bet you're so done with hearing it called 'vajayjay' by now, huh." Nudge, nudge.

You really did draw the short straw, didn't you?

lilypotter said...

I say you throw caution to the wind and make a big deal about the good doctor when you finally meet him again. Take him aroud the party, introduce him as your gyno, make people wonder what could possibly be wrong with you that you have to have your dr. accompany you to a cocktail party. Drink lots of the cranberry juice spritzers while you're at it. Hell, you could even wear a "Vagina monologues" tshirt, or have it playing in the background. And don't forgrt all the gynecologist jokes! If you do all this, not only will you have excellent blog fodder, but you can also bet you'll never be bugged by anyone at the school again!

Anonymous said...

"Why hello Dr. and Mrs. HooHoo please come in and let me take your coats. Can I get you a beer or a glass of wine? A martini? Perhaps an epidural?"

MadMad said...

OK, people of the internets! The comments are funnier than the darn post was!

Beth said...

Ew. I've never even thought about trying to make small talk with my OB/GYN outside of the office.

Good luck with that and please be sure to let us know how it goes!

Daisy said...

HA!!! Awesome! What a great post! I don't even know how I would handle this, other than the "Umm, Hello" comment. Seriously... he'll probably won't think anything of it. Private parts are the equivalent to a podiatrist's foot after a while. Once you've seen 'em, you've seen 'em...

Anonymous said...

PS
When Mrs. HooHoo leaves and you hand her coat back to her, do not, I repeat DO NOT, ask if the opening goes in the front or the back................

JMC said...

Oh, boy! I suggest you either don't drink to avoid saying anything embarrassing, OR drink A LOT so you don't remember anything you say.

hokgardner said...

Hee. Every once in a while I end up running with my OB, but she's a she, and it doesn't bother me so much.

Just ignore the connection. He'll probably appreciate not talking "shop" at a social event.

CZgal01 said...

You know, I would agree with "LillyPotter" - I bet there might be other ladies there who have had the pleasure of meeting him before. Lots of cranberry spritzer should be there...how the heck did you get into this predicament? Once you volunteer for this sort of thing, you will always be on the short list for this sort of thing... one piece of advice: I would not make any references to the plumbing business!

TinkingBell said...

OK - just drink - a lot!
At least you're not the woman who went for the smear test, had a fast morning ablution because the world was going to hell around - the way it does for mothers in the morning -and then the GYN said she'd taken a lot of trouble for him, and thought he was mad - until 5 year old daughter that evening demanded to know the whereabouts of her glitter - that had been wrapped in the face washer she'd used for her morning ablutions.... (Yep glitter city around the 'you know') - Now THAT'S embarrassing!!

And no - it wasn't me - what are you implying!

del said...

My solution is to move. Right now. Vacate the house & just leave.

Moi said...

Please do not ask Mrs. Dr Hoo-ha to estimate the number of cooters he has seen.

And DEFINITELY do not ask how many she has seen.

melissaknits said...

It's true. That man sees so many you-knows in a day that he won't remember yours from anyone else's. Unless you've got some special you-know that the rest of us don't (jewelery? tattoo?). It's like bank tellers. The cha-ching rings no bells for them.

Kathy said...

You just need to find out who he's got ready to pop and slip them some pitocin an hour before the party starts.

Barb said...

You know, I really DO socialize with my OB/GYN. I figure I have a longer relationship with him than any man in my life! He saw me through cancer, through my two pregnancies, marriages, divorces, dating... the man COULD be my therapist for all he knows about me...

Of course, socializing with my therapist would be just plain WEIRD.

Magpie said...

LOL - at least mine lives in another city, and was a woman!

bells said...

You could open with, hey, I've got this rash....

No. Don't. Stupid idea.

Cathy said...

Hilarious!

What with God's sense of humor -- well, he just loves himself a good prank now and then.

I once ran into a woman in T*rget who looked disturbingly familiar. After wandering away and wracking my brains, I realized she was the nurse with me during the first part of my labor. This woman and I had some intimate contact, what with all the cervix checking and all -- yet I couldn't place her.

Thank God.

Shelley said...

Oh Lord,I can't even imagine trying to make small talk at a cocktail party with my obgyn, even though he was a really nice guy. Although since all three of my kids were C-sections, and the nurse practioner always did the exams...I'm not sure he ever saw my hoo hoo. In any case...wine, lots of it. Should make for an interesting evening. Please tell us what happens!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I bet if you don't bring it up, neither will he. But just in case, I vote with the drink heavily crowd.

TLCknits said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nadine said...

Hahahaha! LMAO!

No such thing as coincidence. Try to look at him as an ex boyfriend who got stuck somewhere between third base and hitting a homerun :)

Kelley said...

I am thinking don't serve anything beginning with a 'V'. You know you will slip up. Well you will now that I have planted the thought in your head.

Look forward to hearing all about it *snigger*

Halfway through the school year a couple of years back Boo's teacher and I were chatting. Turns out his cousin was my ex and HE was the guy that climbed through the window while we were um.... You know.

So could be worse!!!!

Five Ferns Fibreholic said...

You could say "Boy am I glad that you're not a woman, or this really would be akward!"

TLCknits said...

Hmm.. and in my mind i hear an announcer "AAAAAAAAAh.... Madmad! you're the next contestant on The Secrets of Hoohaa!!!! Come on down!"

Marie said...

What a coincidence, I'm that Someone too.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

How about introducing yourself by saying, "I'm not sure if you recognize me with clothes on..."

Amy Lane said...

(snark...cough...laugh...pull my game face back on...) Sorry, sweetie--all my docs have been women... (with the exception of the moron who ditched me to have a smoke during my last labor and came running back in as the nurse--who had the smarts to ask me to turn on my side--caught the 10 lb. Ladybug on her way out. But I wouldn't invite him to a cocktail party. Hell, I wouldn't even invite him to a tailgate kegger after a night shift.) But my girl-docs have been good at making small talk while they've had their hands in the wee-hoo--I just gotta know--is there training for that sort of thing?

Diesel said...

I'd definitely open with something about how you do a lot of Kegel exercises.

Ree said...

Honey? You are toooooo funny.

Anonymous said...

Well...., it's Thursday T-minus 30hours and counting until the "new parents" (there's a joke in there somewhere)party and perhaps you are busy making origami tissue with the maid (winka winka, just keeping it light)but, um, are we invited?

Lauren said...

Oh, c'mon, it's not a big deal. He's probably seen hundreds of, if not thousands of, you know.

When I delivered my second kid in Seattle, my neighbor and best friend's husband was the on call OB resident. He asked if he could deliver my baby, but no pressure if I felt uncomfortable. "Feel free," I told him, eager to get the little guy out of me. My neighbor broke my water, delivered him, and stitched me up. Our families are still the best of friends, and it makes a great conversation piece. I don't think about the fact that he's seen just about everything I got. I think about the fact that he delivered my little boy! He's a doctor... so don't worry about it! :)

onthegomom said...

WOW... very funny.

I have no idea how to even host a cocktail party, let alone what to say to "that" doctor/guest! But I will say, I cannot wait to hear about it!!!!!!!!!!

sandyshoes said...

I guess this is the upside to having had both my children arrive at inconvenient enough times to warrant being delivered by total strangers.

I'd go with anything except "I'll show you mine if... whoops! too late! HA! HA!"

Victoria said...

Oh, eek. Not good. Not good at all. I'd suggest a "Hey, thanks for getting that kid outta me" kind of opening.

But then, I changed OBs when I found out mine was BFFs with our corporate CEO. No wonder he was always asking about our stock prices during my check ups. Hmm.

A cocktail party?? How grown up! I'm jealous!!

the mama bird diaries said...

Love the c-section line. Awesome.

Just introduce yourself to his wife.
"So your husband has met my vagina and now it's so nice to meet you."

Seriously, he's a doc. No big thing to him. He's probably seen every vj and their mother's at that cocktail party.

a friend to knit with said...

oh, this is so great.
are you with him right now?. just pour another glass of wine and tell yourself how pretty you are "down there" ! :)

Mean Mommy said...

It's awfully unsettling to run into your obgyn outside of the comfort (if comfort is standing around in only your socks with a thin, barely big enough sheet wrapped around you, with your butt crack hanging out) of the office. Ick. I'm sorry you have to have him over for cocktails. I'm sure Emily Post would recommend you just avoid the topics of vaginas, placenta, vernix, and stretch marks altogether. Scar tissue might be alright, but don't risk it.

BBC said...

That's odd, I haven't received any of your letters.

BrentD said...

Tell me what you come up with, you can never tell when I will run across an old proctologist of mine.